Wednesday, February 1, 2012


It's kinda sorta actually amazing how fear can affect people. It's just this lump in our throats, preventing us from saying or doing anything we want in this world.  Naturally, when people are asked "What are you afraid of?" they answer with the obvious, more superficial, fears. "Oh I'm scared of heights, closed spaces, insects, dying, death of others" and so on and so forth.  Legitimate fears, but those usually aren't the biggest fears in everyone's lives.  Yes, they're the easiest to point out and the easiest to explain, but they're never the biggest fears.  There are other fears present in everyday life that, I'm sure, if people actually thought about what they fear most, they would come up with them.  Like being afraid of falling love.  Or being afraid of getting hurt by others.  Or being afraid to speak up for yourself.  These are the kinds of fears that people don't think about until they are forced to face them.  Me? My biggest fears include not being good enough for everyone, getting hurt by the people I love most, and my confidence - I'm scared of how low my confidence is and how it can possibly go even lower.

Yeah, I'm scared of spiders.  I have a mild case of arachnophobia that becomes apparent whenever I simply hear about the eight-legged creepsters.  Are they my biggest fears? Eh, no.  Sure I am super scared of them and get goose bumps at the sight of them, but they're not my biggest fear.   One of my biggest fears is not a thing.   It's not an object and it's not the dark.  It's just not being good enough for everyone or anyone.  It's something that haunts me everyday.  I've heard the cliches and quotes of how "You can't please everyone" but there's just something in my heart and mind that tell me otherwise.  I feel the need to constantly please everyone that I sometimes get lost in my own intuitions that I forget about pleasing myself.  I know I can't please everyone, but I have a defenseless and useless hope that tells me to try.  I don't know - it's not like I'm a kiss-up. Maybe a push-over, but not a kiss-up (and yes, they are different things).  I do get mad and I do get upset when someone doesn't agree with me or doesn't approve of what I do. I get frustrated easily and I complain. Oh I complain A LOT.  Butttt, but but but, I am just so afraid of losing people because I'm not "good enough for them" that I sometimes just forget to be my own person and conform to what they (society) want me to be.  Not being good enough... that's a legitimate fear in my opinion.

Another thing that I fear is getting hurt.  We all know that friendships and other relationships mean a lot - they help curate our affinities for things, they help shape our personalities, and they help shape who we are as people.  But sometimes we take these for granted and don't usually fathom the idea of getting hurt.  Me? Yup, it's just another thing that infests my mind.  I'm really scared of being hurt by the people I love the most.  It kind of ties in with how I want to please everyone, but yeah.  It's just another one of my fears.  I take things for granted and I trust to easily, but I'm always lingering on the scary thought that the people I love the most could possibly turn around and leave me - just like that.

If there's one thing I really fear... it's my own confidence.  I'm scared.  I'm afraid to do things.  I'm afraid to stand up for myself.  I'm afraid of confrontation.  I'm afraid I'm not good enough. I'm afraid of hurting others.  I'm afraid of failing. I'm just... scared.  My confidence has gone through somewhat of a roller coaster ride, exceeding extreme highs of pride and the sulking down into the depths of depression.  I'm afraid of everything about myself.  I'm afraid I'm not tall enough to do the sports I want to do.  I'm afraid I'm not good enough to be getting into the colleges and universities I'm applying to.  I'm afraid I'm not pretty enough to last in this modern society.  I'm afraid I'm not going to end up happy because of who I am.  I'm just scared and it's my confidence that has made me scared.  I fear my confidence the most, because it affects me and what I do.  Sometimes I don't pursue things because I'm just afraid of rejection - afraid of failure.  Sometimes (if not all the time)  I am afraid to speak up for myself and confront others because I'm afraid I'm wrong in the eyes of others and consequently be condemned.

I'm just afraid. It's sad really, because life shouldn't be spent tip-toeing in the silence of fear.  It should be spent dancing on the stage of fear and showing it that it merely is there to set a challenge that will go undefeated.  I don't know what I'm saying anymore... but I just hope my fears transpire into hopeful challenges that I will eventually  overcome.

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