Wednesday, September 29, 2010

A Dark Place: Part I of II

It's dark. Dreary, even. And I can sense a hint of sorrow.  I'm stuck in this deep, melancholy abyss that I can't seem to get out of, nor do I want to.  It's as if there is no today, no yesterday, and no tomorrow.  Nothing exists right now... heck, I don't even exist.  My family, my friends, my enemies... none of them exist in this place.  It's a simpler place, I must admit.  When I'm closed off here, I feel no sense of need; no sense of want; no sense of doing anything to be productive. I'm just... here.  I'm sure you've been to this place; I've been here many times, as you may or may not know.  I just sit and stare; I don't think, I don't listen, I don't speak.  I simply just... stare. I don't know what else to do in this place.

 So many things drive me here, but I don't know why.  It's definitely not that attractive; dark, baggy eyes, pale skin, and sad features do not appeal to the masses.  It's definitely not fun; sitting in my room alone, doing absolutely nothing, getting lost in a big hole of nothing is not productive and definitely not entertaining.  Yet, I do it anyways.  I always ask myself this one question: why? I ask myself over and over again, because it puzzles me how often I visit this place and gain nothing out of it. I'm confused as to what drives me to be in my current state of mind.  Why do I like sitting alone, doing nothing?  Why do I like to bask in my sorrow, like some sort of masochistic pessimist, inflicting emotional pain on myself? I don't know.

I guess you could blame it on what happens around me.  The school work is stressful and frustrates me every night.  I'm constantly beating myself to get straight A's, progressive report after progressive report.  I try to tell myself, "It's okay," but we all know it's not.  I can't settle for second best, nor can I settle for anything less than an A-.  Mmmm, maybe this is what drives me to my mental solitary confinement. Or maybe it's because of the people I'm exposed to everyday.  It's everyone's dream to always be liked, so I guess when one person shows their opposing feelings, it catches me off-guard.  I'm so used to being surrounded by loving, caring individuals, that when one pops out, it catches me by surprise and makes me go into depression mode.

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